i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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