Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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