We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
