I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
