My hand turned me down
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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