Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
