Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
