Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
this just has baby written all over it
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
