Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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