All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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