I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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