This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I think my fart just growled at me.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
People in love make me want to vomit
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
