i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
