ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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