i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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