What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
