We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
