Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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