So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I intend to get homeless drunk
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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