note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
i drank out of a bidet.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
