I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
