Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
