youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Randomize
