You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
