fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
