I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
