when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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