i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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