Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
