The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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