I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
