9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
