Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You ate ashes out of my bong
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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