of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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