the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Your penis caused this!
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