If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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