It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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