You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
