Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
