Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
