Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
