Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
