Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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