I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize