White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
