I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
