also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
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