listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
should my penis look like a turkey
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
