He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
