can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
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