God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
