I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
