shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
