I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
