I feel great
I just peed on a car
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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