When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
