Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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