New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Randomize
