please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Randomize
