Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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