I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
