Me too!
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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